Finding your tribe: How to build the support system you need to reach your goals

You’ve decided that it’s finally time to start working on your financial life — to start making changes that will improve not only your financial situation, but also your overall quality of life. You’ve created goals and specific plans for how you’re going to get where you want to go.

Congrats, you’ve just taken the first step on an incredible and fulfilling journey! There’s just one more thing you need to put in place before you set out on your adventure — a support system. Just like hikers shouldn’t head up Everest without a team, you also shouldn’t try to tackle your journey alone.

Change itself is difficult enough — don’t make it even more difficult by trying to go through it on your own. Regardless of how confident and determined you are, you will almost certainly encounter challenges and moments when you want to quit, especially when it comes to changing your financial life. In fact, having the right support system can often be the most critical factor in your success — keeping you on track and offering encouragement in those moments of doubt.

The thing is, many of us don’t realize that this type of support system is missing in our life until we reach a point when we really need it. This is why it’s so important that you’re proactive about finding the support you will need to get through this, and any other, chapter in your life.

The human need for support

Humans have an innate need for human connection that goes back thousands of years. A long time ago, having a tribe meant protection from danger and more resources in times of scarcity — while shared knowledge meant an increased chance at survival. Today, that need for a tribe still exists within each of us. We have a natural desire for connection — to fit in somewhere — because it provides us with the mental and emotional support that we need to both enjoy the good and get through the bad in life.

When you’re trying to change your lifestyle, habits and behaviors in order to improve your financial and overall quality of life, you’re going to face a lot of obstacles and challenges — and overcoming them becomes a whole lot easier with a support system around you. You need people in your life who are going to be supportive, encouraging and non-judgmental. You need people whom you can be honest with about what’s going on in your life — and feel like they truly care about your wellbeing.

And while we’d all like to think that everyone in our life is totally capable of giving us these things, very often, that’s not the case. It doesn’t mean some people are good and others are bad, it’s just about identifying who is capable and willing to offer you the type of support you need during this time in your life.

On top of the need for support during a difficult time, surrounding yourself with healthy relationships is crucial to building a happy and healthy life in general. And in order to create and sustain healthy relationships, you have to identify any that have become toxic — those that don’t serve you in a positive way.

This can be difficult because it’s what you know — despite how healthy they are, your relationships that have been around for a while are your comfort zone. But the thing is, when you take a step back to reevaluate them, you will likely find that some of the relationships in your life are no longer working for you, your lifestyle and the life you want to live.

Finding your tribe: How to build a successful support system

Surround yourself with like-minded folks

When was the last time you took a step back and really looked at who you surround yourself with? For many of us, the answer is never. And the problem with that is many people don’t realize that the people around you can have a big impact on your ability to reach your goals in life.

When you’re trying to make any type of change, it’s important that the people, or at least some of the people, you hang out with have a similar mindset, as well as similar goals and values. This is crucial for you to get the encouragement and support you need to actually make the change and accomplish your goals. On the flip side, when you’re on a totally different page than the folks around you, sticking to your plan can become very isolating and you’re much more likely to get off track.

Identifying and finding people who are in a similar place as you will help you sustain momentum as you continue to build the life and lifestyle you want to live.

Reevaluate your current relationships

It would make things much simpler if everyone we surrounded ourselves with were people who are capable of giving us what we need at each stage of life, but that’s just not reality. Each person plays his/her role, and it’s up to you to take a step back and identify what exactly that role is.

When I was going through my divorce, I had to do a lot reevaluating of a lot of things in my life, including my relationships. Despite the level of confidence i’ve always had, I was in a place where I truly needed support from the people around me — and that meant being very honest with myself about who these people were and exactly what it was that I needed.

This isn’t always an easy thing to do, because it may mean realizing that certain people don’t serve you the way you think or the way they once did. But, it’s necessary to ensure that you’re expecting and getting the right things from the right people. When I began to reassess the relationships and friendships in my life, I realized that I had never taken the time to do this before. And the biggest lesson I learned was that just like everything else in life, relationships change. It’s not good or bad, it’s just a fact of life. I had to accept people for who they were and the relationship for what it was, even if it meant taking a step back for the time being in order to protect myself.

When I did this, I realized that I was expecting support from people who had shown me over in over, in different ways, that they weren’t capable of giving me what I wanted or needed. No matter how much i loved them or how great of a person they were, it wasn’t going to happen. And while that was a hard pill to swallow, it prevented me from continuing to be disappointed over and over. I had to decide to put my wellbeing first, and that meant investing my energy in the right places.

Again, this isn’t about criticizing or thinking negatively about the people in your life — it’s about identifying both their ability and their willingness to offer you what you need at a certain point in your life. It’s also about reexamining your own expectations and learning to adjust what you expect and want from different people.

Where to start

The first thing you need to do is think about all of the relationships in your life and begin to identify the role that each one plays. For example, the friend you go out with to get your mind off things may not be the same person you open up to about the challenges you’re facing in your financial life.

Here are a few things to ask yourself:

Who are the people in my life?
Who invests energy in the relationship and who does not?
Who opens up to me about their struggles or hardships?
Who openly expresses interest in my wellbeing?
Who have I asked for support from and who has actually given it to me?
Who can relate to what I’m going through right now?
Who is also going through change in their life?

You want to figure out where the best support will come from by identifying the people who you think are best equipped to give you what you need. These questions will allow you to see each relationship in a way you haven’t before, and you’ll be able to adjust your expectations, based on what each person is showing you now or has shown you in the past, as well as where they currently are in their own life.

On top of that, this process will also allow you to avoid some common pitfalls many people face when they look for support from the wrong people:

Opening up to, and feeling vulnerable around, someone who never tells you similar details about his/her own hardships. This can lead to feeling judged and/or too exposed.
Expecting support from someone who has demonstrated to you that he/she is either incapable of or unwilling to give it to you. This can lead to feelings of disappointment and resentment.
Expecting things of people even after expressing to them what exactly it is that you need. This can also lead to feelings of disappointment and resentment.

Having the right expectations will allow you to avoid experiencing feelings of disappointment, resentment and judgment. Now, this doesn’t mean that certain people are judging you or don’t care. Everyone has his/her own stuff going on in life and supporting you may not be something they’re capable of right now. So it’s about identifying the level or type of support each person is capable of and willing to give you, along with your own willingness to ask for what you need from each person.

Deciding when it’s time to make changes

When it comes to your overall mental and emotional health — at any point in life, and especially during challenging times — it’s important that you have a solid inner circle that is supportive, positive and uplifting. Once you’ve done some reevaluating and identified which relationships no longer fit that description, then it’s time to make some changes.

Just to be clear, this isn’t about picking out the bad friends from the good. It’s about identifying where you should continue to invest your energy, because you only have so much. You are protecting your mental, emotional and physical energy by identifying areas where it’s doing you no good.

Stepping back from certain relationships doesn’t have to be dramatic. You don’t have to confront the person and tell him/her all about how they no longer serve you. In fact, do not do that. Relationships are always evolving and all that you are doing is determining whether this relationship — and what amount of depth it has — is in your best interest at this point in your life. It can be as simple as talking to, or reaching out to, someone a little less than before. And when you do this, you may find that your friendship is actually stronger than before, because you’re now investing the same amount of energy as the other person. You don’t resent them anymore, because you’ve adjusted your expectations.

If it feels right, don’t be afraid to express what you’re feeling to certain people in your life. If someone is used to you reaching out constantly to make plans etc., he/she may not understand why you’ve backed off. In a situation like this, it’s important that you express how the relationship has made you feel — whether it’s the other person never investing any energy or maybe they act disinterested when you open up about the challenges in your life. Be honest. It will either prove to you that you do need to back off, or, the person may not have realized how you felt and change their actions. Bottom line, it’s not about anyone doing anything wrong — it’s just about where each of you are in life and where you want to go.

Whom you talk to about this just depends on how you feel — there is no set of rules for this kind of thing. Just go with your instinct, and regardless of what happens, be confident in your decision to protect yourself and your needs.

Asking for support

One big mistake many people make is expecting support from people without ever telling them what it is they need or want. Once you’ve taken the time to reexamine your relationships and identity the people who you think are willing to give you the support you need, take the following steps:

Identify what it is you want and/or need: Frequent phone chats to check in? Someone to just listen? Someone who will open up about his/her own struggles? Someone to learn from? Someone to hold you accountable? Someone to grab a drink with to get your mind off things?
- This will help you create realistic expectations of the people in your life and then figure out from whom you want to ask of certain things.
Test the waters: When you begin to open up, how does the other person respond? Pay attention to whether the person seems interested/engaged and gauge his/her willingness to open up at the same that level you have. Spilling your deepest thoughts and fears to a person who divulges nothing about his/her life can leave you feeling isolated.
Pay attention to how you feel after the conversation: Do you feel comfortable with everything you said? Do you feel vulnerable and exposed? Do you feel judged? Identifying how you feel will help you determine whether you should go back to the person for support or maybe right now just isn’t the best time.
Pay attention to the person’s ability to relate: You may find that people who’ve never experienced similar struggles simply don’t know how to understand what you’re going through or dealing with. Of course, this is not always the case, but people who can relate are often more likely to open up to you about their own experience.

The takeaway

Building a reliable support system is important for anyone at any stage in life, because it gives you an added source of encouragement and comfort outside of your home. Going through any type of life change becomes more difficult when you don’t have people around you whom you can trust. And identifying sources of support and people you can rely on will help you sustain the energy and determination that’s necessary to get where you want to go in life.

Alex ThomasMarch 4, 2020